My brief engagement.

My friend Lucy, who's living in London, arrived in Madrid at 9am on Friday to stay for a few days while Monique's in Portugal.

By around 2pm she decided she would make me her wife.

By around 2:06pm my name was replaced by 'Wifey'.

Spanish sun. Sangria. You know.

Lucy's once-in-a-lifetime, use-it-well-now-or-die-wondering working visa is an iceberg drifting south, melting in the cruelty of global warming. I laughed. I have a European Union passport but the innability to correctly pronounce my own surname in my supposed national language. People like me laugh a lot. I'd marry ya, I said, y'know if gay marriage was legal in the UK. It was siesta time.

Lucy said it is legal and perfect. We could have a wedding and we could both wear dresses and if anyone challenged our love we'd cry discrimination. I thought it may be slightly more difficult. Lucy said we could work it somehow. I'd just have to show up. Get Lauri to research it.

I started to wonder if you should invite your parents to your sham lesbian wedding.

This was taken during our betrothal. Look at us. Giddy with fake love. Rowing on a lake in a park which, prior to Lucy's arrival, I walked for 3 and a half hours without finding. My aversion to guide books has also extended to looking at maps (ever) and, for some inexplicable reason, reading street signs. I just think it's a dead giveaway that you're not local. Lucy read maps and endorsed the purchase of this significantly floppy hat - which I had forgotten I have wanted since I was 18. I think I would marry most people with those two traits.

Lucy left on Monday. As it turns out, alas, we cannot have a fraudulent marriage. No same sex couple can get married in Britain. It's called a civil partnership and in order for a civil partner of an EU citizen to get residency in the UK you have to prove you are financially co-dependent, are in a committed relationship of at least 2 years in length, can support yourself without the assistance of public funds and have documents to prove you are the two sole occupants of your home in Britain (including any dependants).

It's just like Romeo and Juliet.

So any one else planning on marrying me for a visa, my hands are tied. It has been investigated. Thoroughly. Sorry. Would if I could but, you know, discrimination and stuff.